Rorate Caeli

Adapting to the Needs of Modern Man


Engaging the culture and adapting to the ways of Modern Man are, we are told, the paramount objectives of the Church today (usually, it is the leaders of AmChurch telling us this). The Man-child must be powdered, swaddled, and sung lullabies by rotund clerics with guitars.
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How, then, may the Church adapt to the needs of Baby Huey?
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One modest suggestion: dispense green stamps in confessionals.
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You remember green stamps? They were given by stores to purchasing customers, collected by those customers in books, then "redeemed" [pun intended] for valuable household items. Green stamps were successful in the market place -- so why not in the confessional?
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GIVE PEOPLE A REASON TO CONFESS THEIR SINS!! A crock pot, a real wood chess set, a Hudson's Bay blanket, a collection of patio furniture!
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FELLAS: have your eyes been wandering a bit lately? Are you a tad, er, passive in the area of maintaining custody? Well, maybe we could energize your conscience with the prospect of God's forgiveness, and . . . a BRAND NEW 24V ELECTRIC DRILL!
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GALS: You'll be glad you tossed those birth control pills in the trash when you receive the gift of God's merciful forgiveness, and . . . a $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE TO LINENS 'N' THINGS!
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KIDS: You may not be sorry now that you turned Billy / Susie upside down and shook the lunch money out of his / her pocket, but you sure will be when you receive God's forgiveness, and A ROCKIN' SET OF POWER RANGERS ACTION FIGURES / A SASSY SET OF BRATZ ACTION FIGURES!
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Make Saturdays double-stamp days!
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Now that's ministry!

5 comments:

Hebdomadary said...

Huh? What, besides the status quo with which we are all quite familiar, promped that outburst?

Screwtape said...

I will tell you, because I have special insight into awesomely esoteric goings on. (Hebdomadary, you need an "r" in that name: it would put you over the hump.)

First of all, RRD is a brand of motorcycle - very old - we're talkin' centuries here.

This is an idea whose time has not yet come, but that is only because Novus Ordo has not thunk of it yet: Novus is a guy whose golf handicap is terrible (he has regularly flunked the AmChurch Tournement held yearly in Panguitch, Utah, a place that does not allow real Catholics within city limits).

Trust me. I'm not French.

Screwtape said...

I hate to begin to monopolize, but I must congratulate whoever made the decision to put the cartoon character in this Post. It is perfect.

I've often been caught accusing the "New Theology" of teaching the gospel according to St. Donald - that's Donald, as in . . . duck.

As you read that last, think of the speech habits and resonances of William F. Buckley, Jr. It helps get the message across with just the right intonation. Also imagine that wicked smile and wiggling tongue!

Pertinacious Papist said...

Like I said, I'll help if you want to do Catholic Film Noir. =) -- Pertinacious Papist

Screwtape said...

Uh, whom do you address?

If 'tis I, we (Pluralis Majestatis) do not do le film noir, although we see and like some.

There is no other possibility if it is Rome in your viewfinder. The flic is always going to be black.