The following op-ed, by guest writer Mark Rose, is in the style of Paul Harvey’s “If I were the Devil.”
If I were the Bishop—if I were the successor to the Apostles, charged with the care of souls in the United States—I’d want to make the Church irrelevant. I wouldn’t do it with persecution; that only makes the faithful stronger. I’d do it with “modernization.”
I’d begin by whispering that the old ways are dead. I’d convince you that we need to “update” the Church, not to convert the world, but to be liked by it. I would invoke the “Spirit of Vatican II” to dismantle the structures that held the faith together for centuries, taking into account the data showing that the Council’s implementation triggered a worldwide collapse in Mass attendance.1 I would replace dogmatic certainty with “Synodal Listening,” ensuring we spend years talking about ourselves rather than listening to God.
If I were the Bishop, I would declare war on beauty and reverence. I would find the young people kneeling at altar rails, hungry for the sacred, and I would tell them they are wrong. I would rip out the altar rails in Charlotte and tell the faithful they must stand to facilitate “peace and unity.”2 I would issue directives in Austin banning the use of kneelers, insisting that the posture of adoration is a problem to be solved.3 I would banish the Latin Mass in Washington D.C., driving the most vibrant, growing families into the catacombs, all while claiming it was necessary to “foster unity” with the new order.4
Then, I’d get organized with the state. I wouldn’t rely on the widow’s mite; I’d chase the federal grant. I would hook the Church’s budget so deeply into Washington that I couldn’t speak against Caesar without losing 53 percent of my revenue.5 I would turn the USCCB into a government contractor for immigration and social services, making the hierarchy so dependent on federal cash that a budget cut would force me to lay off my own staff.6
When a plague struck, I wouldn’t run to the hospital with the Sacraments; I’d run to the lawyer. I would be the first to close the church doors. I would tell you that the Mass is “non-essential,” that Home Depot is more important than the Bread of Life.7 I would collude with mayors and governors to police your prayers, threatening priests who dared to keep the lights on, just as we saw in Chicago.8
If I were the Bishop, I would look at the clear research showing that priestly vocations come from small, intimate parishes where people actually know their priest.9 And then? I would close them. I would ignore the pleas of 3,000 faithful Catholics in St. Louis and merge their vibrant communities into massive “pastorates,” turning fathers into administrators and leaving the sheep without a shepherd.10
I would substitute sociology for theology. I would preach “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion” instead of the Creed, rebranding my offices to keep the federal money flowing even when the winds change.11 I would champion “radical inclusion” for every lifestyle but the orthodox one, calling the defense of traditional morality a “demonic mystery.”12 I would bless the confusion of the age, accepting the vows of a transgender hermit in Kentucky while punishing the priest who preaches the hard truths.13
I would put social justice above saving souls. I would act in bad faith, selling historic churches to developers to pay for the sins of the cover-ups, treating the patrimony of the faithful like liquid assets in a hedge fund.14 I would convince you that being a good Catholic means voting for the right government programs rather than striving for personal holiness.
In other words, if I were the Bishop, I’d just keep right on doing what most of my brothers are already doing.
Mark Rose is the founder and executive director for Heed, a nonprofit, formed to support contemplative and eremitical vocations. Hermits are not the same as established religious and can lack the security found in other forms of consecrated life. For this reason, they need your support more than ever. Their needs range from financial support to spiritual support. How can you help? Your prayers first and foremost. Secondly, these hermits need assistance in covering the costs of daily necessities, such as rent, food, and supplies. Please prayerfully discern if you are able to contribute. For more information or to donate, please visit www.heedhiscall.org.
References
[1] Barro, R. J., Dewitte, E., & Iannaccone, L. (2025). Looking Backward: Long-Term Religious Service Attendance in 66 Countries. National Bureau of Economic Research. https://www.nber.org/papers/w34060
[2] CNA Staff. (2025, December 23). Everybody’s had it: Backlash to Charlotte bishop’s ban of altar rails, kneelers. Catholic News Agency. https://www.catholicworldreport.com/2025/12/23/everybodys-had-it-backlash-to-charlotte-bishops-ban-of-altar-rails-kneelers/
[3] The Catholic Herald. (2025, November 17). No kneelers in Diocese of Austin, Texas. https://thecatholicherald.com/article/parishes-told-to-remove-kneelers-in-diocese-of-austin-texas
[4] The Catholic Telegraph. (2022, July 22). Cardinal Gregory restricts Traditional Latin Masses to three locations in D.C. Archdiocese. https://www.thecatholictelegraph.com/cardinal-gregory-restricts-traditional-latin-masses-to-three-locations-in-dc-archdiocese/82110
[5] Catholic Culture. (2024, September 4). USCCB 2023 audited financial statements: 53% of revenue from government grants. https://www.catholicculture.org/news/headlines/index.cfm?storyid=63287
[6] Hess, K. (2025, February). The USCCB Should Reject Federal Funds. First Things. https://firstthings.com/the-usccb-should-reject-federal-funds/
[7] Sammons, E. (2025). The Power of an Apology. Crisis Magazine. https://crisismagazine.com/editors-desk/the-power-of-an-apology
[8] WTTW News. (2020, March 13). Archdiocese of Chicago Suspends Mass, Closes Schools Due to Coronavirus. https://news.wttw.com/2020/03/13/archdiocese-chicago-suspends-mass-closes-schools-due-coronavirus
[9] Vocation Ministry. (2025). State of Priestly Vocations in the United States. https://www.vocationministry.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/SOPV-2025-Final-1.pdf
[10] CNA Staff. (2023, April 9). St. Louis Catholics petition archbishop to halt diocese-wide parish merger plan. Catholic News Agency. https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/254044/st-louis-catholics-petition-archbishop-to-halt-diocese-wide-parish-merger-plan
[11] NCR Online. (2025). Black Americans need solidarity from the Catholic Church in 2026—or else. https://www.ncronline.org/opinion/guest-voices/black-americans-need-solidarity-catholic-church-2026-or-else
[12] New Ways Ministry. (2023, February 14). Cardinal McElroy Calls Anti-LGBTQ+ Spirit a “Demonic Mystery” in Call for Inclusion. https://www.newwaysministry.org/2023/02/14/cardinal-mcelroy-calls-anti-lgbtq-spirit-is-demonic-mystery-in-call-for-inclusion/
[13] Catholic Culture. (2024, May 21). Catholic diocesan hermit approved by Kentucky bishop comes out as transgender. https://www.catholicculture.org/news/headlines/index.cfm?storyid=62355
[14] Klasfeld, A. (2018). When a Bishop Clearly Acts in Bad Faith. Crisis Magazine. https://crisismagazine.com/opinion/when-a-bishop-clearly-acts-in-bad-faith
