Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a happy child! Visiting a Chinese restaurant in London some time ago, I observed on a nearby table a mum and a dad surrounded by five young children. The whole family was up to their elbows in duck, pancakes and hoisin sauce, whilst the children chatted merrily together. At the end of my own meal, I made a point of going up to the family and addressing the parents. “God bless you for your large family!” I said. They smiled back at me, obviously slightly embarrassed, as nobody had said that to them before.
I always make a point of congratulating the parents of large families in this way and this is because I feel so warm-hearted when I see them surrounded by children who are happy and cheerful. Children who are innocent are always happy and content. They may be very poor, or suffer tragedies and illnesses, and yet innocence radiates through their sparkling eyes.
The parents
But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:13-14)
We now live in an era where children are treated no differently than household pets. “Darling.” Asks the wife, “do you think we should have a baby?”
“No!” he replies. “It would be better to buy a dog.”
It is the behaviour and attitudes of parents which mainly influence how a child will turn out. After all, what other example has the child to follow? No matter how bad the parents are, even if they are violent, alcoholic, slothful or otherwise wicked, the child will still love them unconditionally. That is why, in the event of a divorce, when the child is asked to make a choice between living with either mum or dad, he or she is usually unable to do so and is profoundly upset by this tragic and common turn of events. The resultant reaction of the child to parental separation, whether it be falling into bad company, misbehaviour at school or vice of any description, is not the fault of the offspring. Blame has to be laid firmly at the door of the parents.
The secret garden
Deprived of the firm and loving hand of attentive parents, a child will often retreat into a world of his own, and this is termed the ‘secret garden.’ The offspring will develop, over time, an alternative world for himself which is beyond the gaze of mum and dad. This world consists of a wide range of possibilities, such as keeping bad company, where he loafs around at street corners and indulges in petty crime. Other elements of the alternative world include illicit smoking or perhaps taking soft drugs and alcohol.
As he gets older, he looks at pornography, readily available from many sources, and mobile phone addiction is common. Hour after hour is spent playing electronic games or ‘messaging’ his mates, often keeping him awake half the night. All this is out of sight and the first the parents get to hear that all is not well is when the police arrive at the front door with their child in tow. Because this illicit life is hidden from mum and dad, the whole experience contains a certain
frisson and excitement as the wool is continuously pulled over their eyes.
Modern family life
The abandonment of family life is now so commonplace that we have all become used to it, and yet this is very damaging to society as a whole. Many examples of family disunity and chaos come to mind, one being the tendency of all the family members, mum and dad included, to live their lives in isolation to the family as a whole. I have visited many such families where children come and go with their friends, the parents having no clue as to what they’re getting up to, buried as they are in their own occupations. This is a scene which I witnessed first-hand:
Enter the 12-year-old son with his school friend: “Mum, Charlie and I are going to the cinema, can I have some money?”
Dad, without looking up from scrolling on his mobile: “Here you are!” sticking out his arm and handing him some cash.
Son: “Is there anything in the fridge?”
Mum: “You can microwave something from the freezer.”
They say that ‘a family that prays together, stays together.’ I would enlarge on that by saying that:
‘a family that eats together, lives together!’ I cannot remember, either during my childhood, or in my life as a father of ten children, that we ever failed to eat together as a family. That included all three daily meals. My mother maintained that, if the family ate together, by the end of the meal all the secrets of the children would come out –– as they often did, I recall!
If families eat together, even perhaps only once a day, they will be able to communicate as a family and strengthen their bond. This is an essential ingredient of family unity which is essential as the children increase in age and maturity. Alas, this habit, so widespread in my earlier life, is a rarity nowadays due to a lack of common purpose and family unity, which ultimately may lead to marital infidelity, divorce and the shattering of the family unit.
Working parents
We have all heard the arguments in favour of both parents going out to work fulltime. These run along the lines of: ‘We both have to work to pay the mortgage.’ Other, secondary motives are often mentioned, such as mum, for example, is a qualified lawyer who doesn’t want her qualifications and talents to go to waste. And why should it be mum, and not dad, remaining at home surrounded by squalling infants and dirty nappies?
Thus, the family enters into the depressing world of dislocated routine as the youngsters are shunted off to extremely costly nursery schools. Mum and dad return from their jobs in the early evening (or even later if there is a ‘crisis’ in the office) and they are both often exhausted and good for nothing. They are not up to preparing and cooking a proper meal, so they order a takeaway or rummage in the freezer for a ready meal. And what happens if a child is taken ill? Profound disruption and chaos ensues as both parents demand that the other takes the necessary time off work to deal with the crisis. “I can’t leave work just now because I’m up against a deadline” they both say to each other.
Let us not forget, of course, the involvement of the long-suffering relations, who provide a fallback service in the event of severe mishap. The result of this is that, after the end of the school day, a variety of people arrive at the school gates to collect the children.
Guilty parents
After years of disruption owing to absentee parents and the resultant day-to-day chaos, it is true that mum and dad still love their children and are profoundly aware of their neglect of their offspring. In order to make amends and to assuage their troubled consciences, when the family is together, they pile largesse on their kids. Such generosity includes luxurious holidays abroad, the most expensive toys and gifts and, of course, takeaways. As a result of this sorry state of affairs, the children are utterly spoilt and are able to manipulate their parents into further rash gestures of goodwill. Nothing is refused to them as they become more and more demanding and restless for proper affection, which they do not receive. When the kids misbehave, or become rebellious, which is inevitable after receiving such treatment, mum and dad are powerless to inculcate discipline, racked with guilt as they are. All in all, the kids are treated in the same way as the pets: they are having their prime instincts satisfied but where is the supernatural benefit? Where is the true authority in their lives?
Role reversal
According to the laws of nature, mum is best suited to staying at home, and dad is best suited to going out to work. There’s a reason for this, and I make so bold as to suggest that both parents
know that I speak the truth.
For example, let’s say that dad is at home cooking, cleaning and looking after the offspring. When mum arrives home from work, no matter how tired she is, she casts a glance over the living room and the kitchen and mutters, either to herself or, rudely to her husband: “what have you been up to all day then?” It is quite natural for mum to have a proprietary interest in homemaking and care of the children. Added to this is the huge effort he makes in appearing to be interested in his wife’s account of her day at the office. If he allows his interest to wane and his attention to slip, she is immediately provoked and says to him: “I don’t think you’re supportive enough.”
I have known situations where those who are at work are subject to appalling temptations to unfaithfulness. If both parents are working, then the temptation is doubled as either, or both of them, might meet someone else at work who makes them feel more ‘alive’ as they reflect on the gloomy and chaotic situation back at home. This has happened to people I know personally, and I guess that it is a frequent occurrence.
In many workplaces, women are still treated as objects, coming under the lascivious gaze of their male counterparts. When a man goes to work, any extra-marital affair is normally his own fault as he will often give out signals that he is ‘available.’ He does this by, for example, neglecting to wear his wedding ring or, perhaps, never mentioning his wife or family to his colleagues.
Women, on the other hand, are not so lucky. If they are in any way physically attractive, they often have to endure a constant barrage of improper suggestions, leering and harassment. Career advancement is often curtailed if she refuses to cooperate with these impositions as she gets labelled a ‘prude.’ There are a number of male work colleagues who regard it as an exciting challenge to seduce a happily married female member of staff. The difference between males and females at work is that the men are usually the aggressors.
…and the answer?
There’s really no
human solution to the problems which married couples face. In the current economic climate, it may seem impossible for the wife to stay at home to look after the house and family. Even when she does, she may possibly make a mess of it because she lives her life outside God’s Providence. However, the lack of a stable and loving home can harm children irreversibly. Without this example, this role-model, the chances of them becoming normal, well-balanced individuals is pretty remote, and later on they are likely to inflict the same depravations onto their own families which they themselves had suffered.
God can sort it out
This crisis in the family is so universal that we almost take for granted the attendant miseries: divorce, abuse, poverty and mental breakdown. But Our Lord provides great words of comfort:
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” If we had a ready-made solution to hand then, perhaps, this statement from Our Lord may sound unrealistic, naïve even. We keep trying human solutions, but family breakdown continues apace. Perhaps we should now turn from the natural to the supernatural.
The first thing we have to remember is that it definitely is not God’s will that our society should suffer in this way, He still loves us and wants us to be happy. That is why he gave us the ten commandments and set up the Catholic Church as a kind of user manual, or guidebook, to lead us to peace, prosperity and happiness. So far, we have turned our back on the divine, never asking for God’s assistance, which has led us to our present predicament, whilst He is watching us mess things up.
A priest once said that it is more likely that God creates a whole new solar system than that he overrides the free will of one person. So, how on earth do we secure divine intervention, on a massive scale, in order to sort things out? The Catholic Church supplies all the answers:
married couples must, absolutely must, pray together every morning before they do anything else. Even if there’s only time for a daily offering, then that is what they must do.
Secondly, they must ask for the gift of deep love of Our Lord and His Mother.
Thirdly they must institute family rosary every day.
Lastly, and only lastly, they can ask God to sort out the mess which they face. I can promise that God will act using a sledgehammer, so beware what you ask for! God has ordained from the beginning of time how he wants you to be on this earth and has planned how you and all your children will get to Heaven, which is His aim. Whether he has planned for you to be rich or poor, he has definitely not planned for you to lead a disordered and miserable life. Once we become docile to His will then everything will change in our lives, and very quickly.
Joseph Bevan’s latest memoir has just been published, Traddy Daddy: Memories and Thoughts of the Father of a Catholic Family (Os Justi Press, 2025), joining his earlier and highly acclaimed Two Families: A Memoir of English Life During and After the Council (Os Justi Press, 2024). Both books are available in paperback, hardcover, or ebook from the publisher or from Amazon sites around the world.
